to clarify given one question; no, it wasn't all about Carrie. I was confronted not only with the horrifying specter that some day I would lose her, but with the concept that someday I would lose everything I cared about, because no matter what, if there is a chance, eventually it will happen, given a long enough timescale. Since then I've determined that all that's neccesary for peace of mind is to reduce the incidence level below the chance of the end of my life by enough to ensure that i'll never percieve it, because by the time it happens, I'll be dead. Which is no less morbid, but subjectively less damning.